[For a little while, Yasusada just stares at him. His gaze is thoughtful and unwavering, just one of the many things about him that speaks to his lack of humanity. Even without his connection to his blade, his eyes are bright and intent.
Eventually he sighs, though, looks down at his knees.]
I wanted to talk to you about Flayn-kun. But now I think it might not be a good idea.
[Honest, whenever he can be, and tactless--but not stupid. He doubts Yin Yu would appreciate what he has to say, even if Yasusada presents it as a simple thought, not an accusation.]
[ looking at yasusada staring at him like that, yin yu feels that same, familiar echo he's felt from all those years ago. it's much more faded, now, but that bright, crystal intent - he saw it on the night he died as much as he saw it flickering bright behind yizhen's eyes when he talked about the martial arts.
it feels like he stares into your soul.
yin yu sighs, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. ]
...it's alright, Yasusada. [ and he sounds just... exhausted.] Go ahead.
[He can't help staring a little longer, uncertainty written into his body language--but he doesn't want to argue. If Yin Yu says it's alright, then he'll just go ahead and say it.]
I think Flayn-kun might be Kocho-kun's role partner.
[Quite a few reasons, actually. Nothing substantial, not by itself, or he likely would've come to this conclusion far earlier. But with nothing but time, and all of the pieces starting to come together...]
Back at the castle, everyone chosen to kill had a partner. Two each week, then Sanji-kun and his partner, if Tora-kun and Ryuu-kun asked them to. [So the idea of partner killers isn't new to him, for that reason.] When I asked Kocho-kun if she could be honest about whether or not she killed Narukami-san alone, she just smiled at me.
[Which meant "no, I can't tell you, and you're probably correct", as far as he's concerned. He can hear what's left unsaid.]
Dimitri-kun... even if Flayn-kun wouldn't have wanted him to be alone, I don't think that's something she could have controlled unless she would have been awake anyway. [He doesn't need to convince Yin Yu that Dimitri sacrificed himself to her, because they've both already come to that conclusion. But--] I don't think Dimitri-kun would've sacrificed himself in that way unless he knew it had to be her. If he knew she didn't have a choice, it makes more sense.
[Eliminating the evidence to protect her from getting caught is so much more difficult than simply talking her out of it, or preventing her from being around and risking a guilty verdict in the first place.]
It's not the first time there's been evidence that pointed only to Flayn-kun. And that first week, Flayn-kun and Kocho-kun were the only ones in the same place, after the curfew.
[He's not trying to imply that Flayn has killed every week--certainly not. In truth, he doubts she's bloodied her hands even once in this place. But it's not because he believes she can't; rather, he simply thinks there are that many people willing to step and do it for her.
The only murderers they've caught were him and Nie Huaisang, since Evan doesn't truly count. Chances are, there are more people alive right now with blood on their hands than there aren't.]
[ yin yu listens very carefully, to everything that yasusada says.
and... maybe it's surprising, or maybe it's not, but yin yu tips his head back and looks up at the ceiling of the campsco, with a slow exhale. ]
...I had considered the option, too. [ not about shinobu, certainly, but for this week. ] Considering that Winter's team was the only team on its own, it would only make sense. They found out about the success of the combination on Thursday, so if there were people who had roles that had to kill, as Lady Shinobu and the others may have, there was time to plan.
[ there's no emotion revealed in his voice, really. his face is masked, too, but beneath it, he's biting his lip.
it's hard to feel anything but numb about it.
(to take someone's life is..a terrible thing. )
there's a trail of thoughts that go through his head, one by one, linking together. and yin yu just.
he makes a soft noise, a humorless huff of a laugh.
a right to choose, huh? ] If the two of them went together, Lady Shinobu would have done everything in her power to keep her from having to be the one to make the final blow.
[ ...which she did.
everyone wants to protect flayn. ]
... As I believe Lord Dimitri would have done everything in his power to have mercy, too. [ ... ] I would have done the same thing.
[It's--a better reaction than he'd expected, honestly, and there's some surprise on his face. He really thought Yin Yu would be adamant, the way Flayn had been when she'd insisted Yin Yu wouldn't kill anyone. He can't say it's a pleasant surprise, because that would mean he was implying something negative in the first place--which he wasn't. The capacity to kill, to him, has no connection to someone's moral character.
He nods, then, his shoulders dropping slightly, losing some of the tension they'd had. Despite it all, he doesn't want to be on bad terms with Yin Yu. He hadn't lied when he'd said he liked him, and thought he deserved better than what this place may have forced him into, given time.
He sighs, softly.]
It's a cruel thing to ask of someone like her.
[Especially when there are people here who would be perfectly willing to do the job, no matter how much they despise it. Like Shinobu.
...And honestly, it was cruel to cover her tracks like that, too. To look at Flayn, knowing that she would lose another so dear to her, and ask her to continue walking alone. But from the conversation Yasusada had with Dimitri before his own death, he thinks that Dimitri, no matter how noble a man he was, might've been just selfish enough for such a thing.
Decisions made from the heart usually are. He knows that very well.]
...of this place, I have come to expect nothing less than cruelty.
[ shinobu wouldn't have deserved it either. and flayn wouldn't have done it unless she absolutely had to, like now, in a moment where they were so close to reaching the end game. this sacrifice of hers would not go in vain, even it had, today.
he's quiet for a long time, after that, staring up at the ceiling, letting his thoughts churn around in his head. it may even seem like yin yu's not going to speak.
you have to live in the present moment. ] ...Did you know, Yasusada, that I killed someone on the island because Tomioka chose me to?
[ it loosens a rock in his chest each time he actualizes it. like chipping away at a wall. the story is somehow easier to tell yasusada, with the intense stare he gives, with the way he just -- with the way he knows. what a strange and complicated relationship. ]
...When you and I faced off, I knew that you were going to kill me the way that you did. I knew that I was wounded, and you could have left me to die there--I would have bled out-- but I didn't think you would. I know that decapitating someone is a quick way to end any sort of foe, especially one who is difficult to pin down, and in terms of a killing, it is fairly merciful. There is no coming back from that. The suffering is as limited as such a thing can be.
I know this, because I did the same to the person that I killed. To that matter, it was a form of karma. [ and seeing that person here, now, every day, has been its own form of absolution. yin yu is a slow learner, slow to return from the guilt that has haunted him his entire life, but he's running just a little less. he's trying a little more to face the things that he's done, no matter how long it takes. ]
I remember little of the night itself. I was compelled to do it: I would not have participated in these affairs unless it was absolutely necessary of my own volition. Ultimately, I escaped notice, and very few people even now know, unless Tomioka has told them. Most of those who do are here.
Flayn...is one of those who does not know. [ he finishes, voice soft. ] I have been terrified to tell her since the beginning.
[It's not what he expected Yin Yu to say, and he blinks, unsure of how to react. All he can really do is listen, so he does, nothing but curiosity on his face. He's being trusted with this, even when Yin Yu knows he still struggles with the workings of a human heart. This is obviously something very important to him, and the least Yasusada can do is let him talk.]
...Are you afraid she'll be angry with you? [He asks quietly.] Or that she won't understand?
[Personally, he thinks the chances of either of those things are very low, even with how Flayn defended him. He would never, she said, but Yasusada--he'd seen her shy away from the thought of not even for me. On some level, he thinks, she knows the truth.]
I'm still angry with me. [ he says, quietly, explaining it in the simplest term he can think of. yin yu's stil a shixiong, in his heart, and it's instinctive. ] I have lived a life of many regrets, and I have done many things that I am not proud of. I have not wanted Flayn to see that person, because she seems to think of me as something that I most decidedly am not.
[ a kind person. a good person. how can someone like him be kind? someone who snuck up on wen ning and killed him in the dead of night? someone who told his shidi to go die in a moment where that was nearly reality? every kind thing he's ever done, every good thing he's ever done: it will never make up for the pain that he's caused. this useless, regretful life that he's lived has left him better suited to be a tool than anything.
but over the weeks, between the island in here, something has started to change. there's a tiny part of him that soaks up the light that's been shined on him, that has cried out with need for attention, with need for love.
yin yu is not actually a tool only for the use of a ghost king. he's not a sword. that is the place where his similarities to yasusada end.
he is a human being. ]
...Perhaps it is selfish of me to have not told her, but I wanted to preserve that opinion. And... now, on the other side, I was admittedly thrown that she didn't trust me, but... it's not about that at all.
[ yin yu shakes his head. no. it wasn't about trust. it was about something else entirely. ] I don't feel any different about her knowing it, because being forced into doing something cannot define who you are.
...I think I'm just an idiot. [ yin yu finishes, and then, with a soft huff that an only be a laugh, his mouth twitches into a smile. ] ...I think perhaps we might deserve each other, after all.
[There's a lot to work through within Yin Yu's words, though it sounds a lot like he's reached his own conclusion. Still, Yasusada looks at him, taking in what he says.
She seems to think of me as something that I'm not, Yin Yu says, and Yasusada's brow dips down, as he turns that over in his head.
He doesn't really know how to express his thoughts, but he'll try anyway.]
Who says you aren't the person she sees? [Which--does that sound bad? He really doesn't know. He frowns, opens his mouth, then closes it again, scratching the back of his neck.] What I mean is...
[Hm. What's the best way to explain it?]
Where I come from, there's something called kegare. It means that you're... impure. Tainted, dirty, ugly--things like that. Because of what you do, or where you come from. Kiyomitsu was forged in a village like that.
[Even Yasusada doesn't know that much about it. Kashuu isn't a sword like Tsurumaru, or Mikazuki, or even Tonbokiri--his history is buried, and Kashuu's been perfectly happy to leave it that way.
Yasusada could talk about Kashuu forever, given the chance. But that's not the point he's trying to make.]
Because of that, and because he broke [translation: died], he's really afraid of being unloved. Even though our master chose him first, he works hard all the time to make himself look prettier, to be stronger. But I think he's beautiful and strong just as he is. So... who's right?
[Because Yasusada sees him one way, and Kashuu sees himself very differently. Of course, being a "good person" is a more complicated topic, but isn't the idea the same?]
You told me it's not good to see the world in black and white. I think that might be true for this, too.
[He's not really sure people are good or bad, when it comes down to it. He's never seen his opponents as people who deserved to die. But that, he thinks, is a different conversation entirely.]
[ i do, he doesn't say, because yasusada has more to say, and he can tell. but... it's a thoughtful way to phrase it, too. he can't make flayn think anything. he can't ask her to think that he's terrible, because she...
she saw the worst part of yin yu, by far, and she still wanted to be near him. she was upset, when he ran from her, so horrified that the most vulnerable part of him was cast out into the open without his permission, so afraid of what she'd think of him that he'd cut the loss before it could happen.
...but it didn't happen.
he listens quietly, to yasusada. it resonates - from his failings as a god and his banishment, a breaking in its own right, to the fear of this friend of yasusada's. he wonders if perhaps this person is around (and if they'd particularly enjoy having all of their insecurities casually shared with someone else), but, says nothing else. yin yu is not afraid of being unloved, because he just is, or.
he has been. maybe it's not just flayn, either. maybe at home, he's no one, a masked officer with no name (and he was, but did people care about him there, too? besides yizhen, who was misguided and stupid - the ghosts in the city? taizi dianxia? ...chengzhu?) but here, he's been someone.
yin yu looks over at yasusada for a long moment. his expression is still hidden, but, he reaches up, and slowly pushes the mask up on the top of his head so he can rub at his face with his sleeve. ridiculous. sharing emotions with lili a few weeks ago opened up some kind of cork in him. ]
...You're smart, Yasusada. [ he says, eventually, from behind his sleeve. his mouth is curved up, a little bit. ] Smarter than I am, I think. This friend of yours sounds like a good person to me.
[ he doesn't really have an answer for him about it, either. it's something to think about: what's black and white and what isn't. things like love, and trust, and everything in between. what a strange relationship they've formed, in such a strange place.
...he doesn't mind it, so much.
leaning back, finally, yin yu turns to really look at yasusada. there are dark circles under his eyes, but overall, he's...fine. as plain faced as ever, his eyes maybe a little wet, and a small, not quite smile on his face. ] ...I owe you an apology--I don't know if you were aware, or not, but I do. You remind me of someone I used to know, once, and I treated you differently because of it. You didn't deserve that.
[ you must live in the present moment.
if they do really die here, at least, maybe, finally, he could do so with few regrets. ]
[Despite himself, Yasusada smiles at him in return, just a little. He isn't the best at explaining his thoughts and feelings, but this time, it seems like he was able to.]
We have good partners, don't we?
[In the end, it seems, they're all the same. Just creatures burdened with the weight of a heart.
He sits up a little bit, stretching his legs out, and shakes his head.]
It's alright. I understand. [Part of the reason he's so attached to Sanji is because Sanji reminds him so strongly of Hijikata. So, he gets it. He tilts his head to the side, curious.] Will you tell me about them?
[ partners. something squeezes warm and soft in his chest. he's never had a partner. ever, once, in his entire life, of any kind. ]
...we do. [ yeah. he has to get back to her, for so, so many reasons.
yin yu finally goes to twist the top off of his drink, and takes a sip. it also gives him the convenient moment to consider what to say at yasusada's second question. his first thought is yizhen is an idiot, which is a very terrible thing to say.
...talking about yizhen is-- is hard. it's going to always be complicated, and messy, and it will always hurt. the tangle in his heart is still there, even if lately it's been slowly unwound into threads. yin yu considers for a moment as he swallows, wipes his mouth, and answers. ] He is.. he was my shidi, for some time. I'm not sure what you would call it in your world, but he and I were in the same sect, where he was younger and studied under me.
... Yizhen loves to fight, more than anything. [ yin yu glances down at the bottle in his hands, feeling a faint sense of nostalgia at the memory. ] When I found him, he was barely twelve years old, and throwing mud balls at everyone, including me. I thought that he had potential and brought him to the sect, where I trained him in the martial arts, including swordsmanship. He is... intense, and unbelievably talented.
[ for a moment, his brows knit, but it's not in frustration, really. it's just the look that yasusada may have come to realize as his "yasuasda, you're giving me gray hairs" look. in reality, it's along the lines of "yizhen, you're giving me gray hairs." ] He also always seemed to be getting into trouble, one way or another. Usually because he said something too directly, and someone didn't like it, or pointed out the obvious in a way they didn't want to hear.
[ there's a beat. ] He also has... [... and he reaches to the back of his own head, gesturing at where yasusada's pom fluff ponytail is. ] A lot of curly hair. It was impossible to tame, no matter how long I sat with him and tried to brush it out.
[It's not something they had much chance to indulge in, here, but Yasusada genuinely enjoys hearing people talk about their homes. The memory share was... unkind, in its choices of Yasusada's memories, but he was still lucky enough to see some pleasant moments from others. Now, too, he sits besides Yin Yu, listening attentively.]
He sounds like a very energetic person. [A little like a young Hijikata, honestly--though if he's totally honest with himself, he can see why Yin Yu drew the comparisons he did. Especially when Yin Yu mentions his hair; Yasusada laughs, reaching up to touch his own ponytail. It's tied back with its usual tie, now that they no longer have scrunchies.] Kiyomitsu brushes mine too, at the citadel.
In some ways, he is. In others, he is more stoic than you would believe. I think the best word to describe him is intense - that's what reminded me of you.
[ it feels odd, just to talk about yizhen, as if things between them are normal. as if yin yu didn't feel so many complicated emotions upon just seeing him that he ran from him like a coward. even after all of this, he's still not sure where he stands. when he goes back to his world, he'll have to see yizhen again. maybe he'll run. maybe he won't.
who knows. for now, he'll try to find his present moment, and not dwell. he watches yasusada touch his ponytail, and the hint of a smile tugs at his mouth. ] His reaches all the way down to his waist - it has to be brushed with a jade comb, or else it gets stuck.
[ does anyone do that for yizhen, now? yin yu knows he doesn't do it for himself, and -
it's... it's not his right, or even something yin yu wants to think about. let's change the subject. ] Will you tell me more about this partner of yours?
[Intense... well, Yasusada can't say that he's wrong to draw that comparison. It was a mark of pride, once--perhaps it will be again, if they're truly able to get out of here. If he's able to go back where he belongs, to fulfill his duty, to be a sword again. He wonders if Yin Yu's partner is similar.
Are they still together, back in Yin Yu's home? Yasusada wonders--it's difficult to tell, the way Yin Yu speaks of him. He thinks about it, about asking more questions, but then Yin Yu asks about Kashuu, and he lets himself be distracted instead. No sense in pressing this kind of deflection.]
Kiyomitsu? [Where to start? Even thinking about it brings a smile to his face--he isn't glowing with pride and devotion, the way he appears when he speaks of Okita. No, this is something softer, brought about by warmth and familiarity.] Well, I'm older than he is, but he was Okita-kun's sword before me. When Okita-kun brought me home, he'd already had Kiyomitsu for a while. It was hard, at first... we're both the same type of sword, so Okita-kun couldn't really take both of us around at once. I think he was nervous that I'd replace him all the time. [But Okita had alternated between them enough that it wasn't a problem.
How come he keeps choosing you? When will it be my turn to protect Okita-kun?
...Well. Most of the time.
Yasusada shakes his head, clearing away the painful memories before he has the chance to get lost in them.]
He told me that bad swords got strung up from the tree in the courtyard by their ankles. I believed him for way too long.
[ it's not so strange to think of using more than one sword, although it is quite odd to consider taking on more than one with some sort of spirit attached. yin yu's own jian yue has yet to be replaced from his banishment, and he has no willingness to even consider doing so. so, to hear that there are two of the same type being used at once is... unusual. yin yu listens attentively anyway, tilting his head a bit to regard yasusada, and the way warmth seems to light his face.
partners, indeed.
the last comment makes him laugh, a short, surprised snort that he quickly covers by turning his head. the familiarity of it makes him ache sometimes, the nostalgia such an open wound that it aches. ] That was not very nice of him. [ but, it sounds exactly like the kind of thing jian yu would have said to quan yizhen, and yin yu would've had to separate them from fighting later when yizhen figured out he was being lied to. ]
Only a few human years, I think. I'm not entirely sure. Time moves differently for us.
[More like pixi bending space-time because the real life Shinsengumi rose and fell extremely quickly fuckin rip. You bond faster when everyone dies in their 20s I guess]
[ cannot believe kashuu is a genuine certified (100%) baby. (yes i can.)
yin yu's, for some reason, immediately reminded of lili. saying something nice to her face does tend to get her oddly cranky. he nods along, able to mostly put together the image of a tsundere without the actual context. how nice. ]
And you did end up liking it after all. When things are fixed, then, will the two of you be reunited, again? Along with your master. [ who will be better, because - they're going to fix this, and his master will live on. ]
[Kashuu is so fucking tragic but you'd never know it because he's such a whiny brat.]
...Okita-kun's been dead for a long time, where we're from. Trying to change that... it's against what we're fighting for. [So the castle was his last chance to see Okita happy and healthy, because it'll never happen again, in his world. Any mission he's sent on that might give him a glimpse of that would probably one that consisted of ensuring his death in the future.] But Kiyomitsu should still be at the Citadel. If things go correctly, I'll be going home to him and our master there.
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Eventually he sighs, though, looks down at his knees.]
I wanted to talk to you about Flayn-kun. But now I think it might not be a good idea.
[Honest, whenever he can be, and tactless--but not stupid. He doubts Yin Yu would appreciate what he has to say, even if Yasusada presents it as a simple thought, not an accusation.]
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it feels like he stares into your soul.
yin yu sighs, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. ]
...it's alright, Yasusada. [ and he sounds just... exhausted.] Go ahead.
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I think Flayn-kun might be Kocho-kun's role partner.
[A killing role.]
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certainly throws him for a loop. ]
...Why do you say that?
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Back at the castle, everyone chosen to kill had a partner. Two each week, then Sanji-kun and his partner, if Tora-kun and Ryuu-kun asked them to. [So the idea of partner killers isn't new to him, for that reason.] When I asked Kocho-kun if she could be honest about whether or not she killed Narukami-san alone, she just smiled at me.
[Which meant "no, I can't tell you, and you're probably correct", as far as he's concerned. He can hear what's left unsaid.]
Dimitri-kun... even if Flayn-kun wouldn't have wanted him to be alone, I don't think that's something she could have controlled unless she would have been awake anyway. [He doesn't need to convince Yin Yu that Dimitri sacrificed himself to her, because they've both already come to that conclusion. But--] I don't think Dimitri-kun would've sacrificed himself in that way unless he knew it had to be her. If he knew she didn't have a choice, it makes more sense.
[Eliminating the evidence to protect her from getting caught is so much more difficult than simply talking her out of it, or preventing her from being around and risking a guilty verdict in the first place.]
It's not the first time there's been evidence that pointed only to Flayn-kun. And that first week, Flayn-kun and Kocho-kun were the only ones in the same place, after the curfew.
[He's not trying to imply that Flayn has killed every week--certainly not. In truth, he doubts she's bloodied her hands even once in this place. But it's not because he believes she can't; rather, he simply thinks there are that many people willing to step and do it for her.
The only murderers they've caught were him and Nie Huaisang, since Evan doesn't truly count. Chances are, there are more people alive right now with blood on their hands than there aren't.]
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and... maybe it's surprising, or maybe it's not, but yin yu tips his head back and looks up at the ceiling of the campsco, with a slow exhale. ]
...I had considered the option, too. [ not about shinobu, certainly, but for this week. ] Considering that Winter's team was the only team on its own, it would only make sense. They found out about the success of the combination on Thursday, so if there were people who had roles that had to kill, as Lady Shinobu and the others may have, there was time to plan.
[ there's no emotion revealed in his voice, really. his face is masked, too, but beneath it, he's biting his lip.
it's hard to feel anything but numb about it.
(to take someone's life is..a terrible thing. )
there's a trail of thoughts that go through his head, one by one, linking together. and yin yu just.
he makes a soft noise, a humorless huff of a laugh.
a right to choose, huh? ] If the two of them went together, Lady Shinobu would have done everything in her power to keep her from having to be the one to make the final blow.
[ ...which she did.
everyone wants to protect flayn. ]
... As I believe Lord Dimitri would have done everything in his power to have mercy, too. [ ... ] I would have done the same thing.
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He nods, then, his shoulders dropping slightly, losing some of the tension they'd had. Despite it all, he doesn't want to be on bad terms with Yin Yu. He hadn't lied when he'd said he liked him, and thought he deserved better than what this place may have forced him into, given time.
He sighs, softly.]
It's a cruel thing to ask of someone like her.
[Especially when there are people here who would be perfectly willing to do the job, no matter how much they despise it. Like Shinobu.
...And honestly, it was cruel to cover her tracks like that, too. To look at Flayn, knowing that she would lose another so dear to her, and ask her to continue walking alone. But from the conversation Yasusada had with Dimitri before his own death, he thinks that Dimitri, no matter how noble a man he was, might've been just selfish enough for such a thing.
Decisions made from the heart usually are. He knows that very well.]
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[ shinobu wouldn't have deserved it either. and flayn wouldn't have done it unless she absolutely had to, like now, in a moment where they were so close to reaching the end game. this sacrifice of hers would not go in vain, even it had, today.
he's quiet for a long time, after that, staring up at the ceiling, letting his thoughts churn around in his head. it may even seem like yin yu's not going to speak.
you have to live in the present moment. ] ...Did you know, Yasusada, that I killed someone on the island because Tomioka chose me to?
[ it loosens a rock in his chest each time he actualizes it. like chipping away at a wall. the story is somehow easier to tell yasusada, with the intense stare he gives, with the way he just -- with the way he knows. what a strange and complicated relationship. ]
...When you and I faced off, I knew that you were going to kill me the way that you did. I knew that I was wounded, and you could have left me to die there--I would have bled out-- but I didn't think you would. I know that decapitating someone is a quick way to end any sort of foe, especially one who is difficult to pin down, and in terms of a killing, it is fairly merciful. There is no coming back from that. The suffering is as limited as such a thing can be.
I know this, because I did the same to the person that I killed. To that matter, it was a form of karma. [ and seeing that person here, now, every day, has been its own form of absolution. yin yu is a slow learner, slow to return from the guilt that has haunted him his entire life, but he's running just a little less. he's trying a little more to face the things that he's done, no matter how long it takes. ]
I remember little of the night itself. I was compelled to do it: I would not have participated in these affairs unless it was absolutely necessary of my own volition. Ultimately, I escaped notice, and very few people even now know, unless Tomioka has told them. Most of those who do are here.
Flayn...is one of those who does not know. [ he finishes, voice soft. ] I have been terrified to tell her since the beginning.
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...Are you afraid she'll be angry with you? [He asks quietly.] Or that she won't understand?
[Personally, he thinks the chances of either of those things are very low, even with how Flayn defended him. He would never, she said, but Yasusada--he'd seen her shy away from the thought of not even for me. On some level, he thinks, she knows the truth.]
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[ a kind person. a good person. how can someone like him be kind? someone who snuck up on wen ning and killed him in the dead of night? someone who told his shidi to go die in a moment where that was nearly reality? every kind thing he's ever done, every good thing he's ever done: it will never make up for the pain that he's caused. this useless, regretful life that he's lived has left him better suited to be a tool than anything.
but over the weeks, between the island in here, something has started to change. there's a tiny part of him that soaks up the light that's been shined on him, that has cried out with need for attention, with need for love.
yin yu is not actually a tool only for the use of a ghost king. he's not a sword. that is the place where his similarities to yasusada end.
he is a human being. ]
...Perhaps it is selfish of me to have not told her, but I wanted to preserve that opinion. And... now, on the other side, I was admittedly thrown that she didn't trust me, but... it's not about that at all.
[ yin yu shakes his head. no. it wasn't about trust. it was about something else entirely. ] I don't feel any different about her knowing it, because being forced into doing something cannot define who you are.
...I think I'm just an idiot. [ yin yu finishes, and then, with a soft huff that an only be a laugh, his mouth twitches into a smile. ] ...I think perhaps we might deserve each other, after all.
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She seems to think of me as something that I'm not, Yin Yu says, and Yasusada's brow dips down, as he turns that over in his head.
He doesn't really know how to express his thoughts, but he'll try anyway.]
Who says you aren't the person she sees? [Which--does that sound bad? He really doesn't know. He frowns, opens his mouth, then closes it again, scratching the back of his neck.] What I mean is...
[Hm. What's the best way to explain it?]
Where I come from, there's something called kegare. It means that you're... impure. Tainted, dirty, ugly--things like that. Because of what you do, or where you come from. Kiyomitsu was forged in a village like that.
[Even Yasusada doesn't know that much about it. Kashuu isn't a sword like Tsurumaru, or Mikazuki, or even Tonbokiri--his history is buried, and Kashuu's been perfectly happy to leave it that way.
Yasusada could talk about Kashuu forever, given the chance. But that's not the point he's trying to make.]
Because of that, and because he broke [translation: died], he's really afraid of being unloved. Even though our master chose him first, he works hard all the time to make himself look prettier, to be stronger. But I think he's beautiful and strong just as he is. So... who's right?
[Because Yasusada sees him one way, and Kashuu sees himself very differently. Of course, being a "good person" is a more complicated topic, but isn't the idea the same?]
You told me it's not good to see the world in black and white. I think that might be true for this, too.
[He's not really sure people are good or bad, when it comes down to it. He's never seen his opponents as people who deserved to die. But that, he thinks, is a different conversation entirely.]
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she saw the worst part of yin yu, by far, and she still wanted to be near him. she was upset, when he ran from her, so horrified that the most vulnerable part of him was cast out into the open without his permission, so afraid of what she'd think of him that he'd cut the loss before it could happen.
...but it didn't happen.
he listens quietly, to yasusada. it resonates - from his failings as a god and his banishment, a breaking in its own right, to the fear of this friend of yasusada's. he wonders if perhaps this person is around (and if they'd particularly enjoy having all of their insecurities casually shared with someone else), but, says nothing else. yin yu is not afraid of being unloved, because he just is, or.
he has been. maybe it's not just flayn, either. maybe at home, he's no one, a masked officer with no name (and he was, but did people care about him there, too? besides yizhen, who was misguided and stupid - the ghosts in the city? taizi dianxia? ...chengzhu?) but here, he's been someone.
yin yu looks over at yasusada for a long moment. his expression is still hidden, but, he reaches up, and slowly pushes the mask up on the top of his head so he can rub at his face with his sleeve. ridiculous. sharing emotions with lili a few weeks ago opened up some kind of cork in him. ]
...You're smart, Yasusada. [ he says, eventually, from behind his sleeve. his mouth is curved up, a little bit. ] Smarter than I am, I think. This friend of yours sounds like a good person to me.
[ he doesn't really have an answer for him about it, either. it's something to think about: what's black and white and what isn't. things like love, and trust, and everything in between. what a strange relationship they've formed, in such a strange place.
...he doesn't mind it, so much.
leaning back, finally, yin yu turns to really look at yasusada. there are dark circles under his eyes, but overall, he's...fine. as plain faced as ever, his eyes maybe a little wet, and a small, not quite smile on his face. ] ...I owe you an apology--I don't know if you were aware, or not, but I do. You remind me of someone I used to know, once, and I treated you differently because of it. You didn't deserve that.
[ you must live in the present moment.
if they do really die here, at least, maybe, finally, he could do so with few regrets. ]
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We have good partners, don't we?
[In the end, it seems, they're all the same. Just creatures burdened with the weight of a heart.
He sits up a little bit, stretching his legs out, and shakes his head.]
It's alright. I understand. [Part of the reason he's so attached to Sanji is because Sanji reminds him so strongly of Hijikata. So, he gets it. He tilts his head to the side, curious.] Will you tell me about them?
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...we do. [ yeah. he has to get back to her, for so, so many reasons.
yin yu finally goes to twist the top off of his drink, and takes a sip. it also gives him the convenient moment to consider what to say at yasusada's second question. his first thought is yizhen is an idiot, which is a very terrible thing to say.
...talking about yizhen is-- is hard. it's going to always be complicated, and messy, and it will always hurt. the tangle in his heart is still there, even if lately it's been slowly unwound into threads. yin yu considers for a moment as he swallows, wipes his mouth, and answers. ] He is.. he was my shidi, for some time. I'm not sure what you would call it in your world, but he and I were in the same sect, where he was younger and studied under me.
... Yizhen loves to fight, more than anything. [ yin yu glances down at the bottle in his hands, feeling a faint sense of nostalgia at the memory. ] When I found him, he was barely twelve years old, and throwing mud balls at everyone, including me. I thought that he had potential and brought him to the sect, where I trained him in the martial arts, including swordsmanship. He is... intense, and unbelievably talented.
[ for a moment, his brows knit, but it's not in frustration, really. it's just the look that yasusada may have come to realize as his "yasuasda, you're giving me gray hairs" look. in reality, it's along the lines of "yizhen, you're giving me gray hairs." ] He also always seemed to be getting into trouble, one way or another. Usually because he said something too directly, and someone didn't like it, or pointed out the obvious in a way they didn't want to hear.
[ there's a beat. ] He also has... [... and he reaches to the back of his own head, gesturing at where yasusada's pom fluff ponytail is. ] A lot of curly hair. It was impossible to tame, no matter how long I sat with him and tried to brush it out.
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He sounds like a very energetic person. [A little like a young Hijikata, honestly--though if he's totally honest with himself, he can see why Yin Yu drew the comparisons he did. Especially when Yin Yu mentions his hair; Yasusada laughs, reaching up to touch his own ponytail. It's tied back with its usual tie, now that they no longer have scrunchies.] Kiyomitsu brushes mine too, at the citadel.
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[ it feels odd, just to talk about yizhen, as if things between them are normal. as if yin yu didn't feel so many complicated emotions upon just seeing him that he ran from him like a coward. even after all of this, he's still not sure where he stands. when he goes back to his world, he'll have to see yizhen again. maybe he'll run. maybe he won't.
who knows. for now, he'll try to find his present moment, and not dwell. he watches yasusada touch his ponytail, and the hint of a smile tugs at his mouth. ] His reaches all the way down to his waist - it has to be brushed with a jade comb, or else it gets stuck.
[ does anyone do that for yizhen, now? yin yu knows he doesn't do it for himself, and -
it's... it's not his right, or even something yin yu wants to think about. let's change the subject. ] Will you tell me more about this partner of yours?
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Are they still together, back in Yin Yu's home? Yasusada wonders--it's difficult to tell, the way Yin Yu speaks of him. He thinks about it, about asking more questions, but then Yin Yu asks about Kashuu, and he lets himself be distracted instead. No sense in pressing this kind of deflection.]
Kiyomitsu? [Where to start? Even thinking about it brings a smile to his face--he isn't glowing with pride and devotion, the way he appears when he speaks of Okita. No, this is something softer, brought about by warmth and familiarity.] Well, I'm older than he is, but he was Okita-kun's sword before me. When Okita-kun brought me home, he'd already had Kiyomitsu for a while. It was hard, at first... we're both the same type of sword, so Okita-kun couldn't really take both of us around at once. I think he was nervous that I'd replace him all the time. [But Okita had alternated between them enough that it wasn't a problem.
How come he keeps choosing you? When will it be my turn to protect Okita-kun?
...Well. Most of the time.
Yasusada shakes his head, clearing away the painful memories before he has the chance to get lost in them.]
He told me that bad swords got strung up from the tree in the courtyard by their ankles. I believed him for way too long.
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partners, indeed.
the last comment makes him laugh, a short, surprised snort that he quickly covers by turning his head. the familiarity of it makes him ache sometimes, the nostalgia such an open wound that it aches. ] That was not very nice of him. [ but, it sounds exactly like the kind of thing jian yu would have said to quan yizhen, and yin yu would've had to separate them from fighting later when yizhen figured out he was being lied to. ]
How long did you two work together?
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[TSUNS ARE SO STUPID.]
Only a few human years, I think. I'm not entirely sure. Time moves differently for us.
[More like pixi bending space-time because the real life Shinsengumi rose and fell extremely quickly fuckin rip. You bond faster when everyone dies in their 20s I guess]
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yin yu's, for some reason, immediately reminded of lili. saying something nice to her face does tend to get her oddly cranky. he nods along, able to mostly put together the image of a tsundere without the actual context. how nice. ]
And you did end up liking it after all. When things are fixed, then, will the two of you be reunited, again? Along with your master. [ who will be better, because - they're going to fix this, and his master will live on. ]
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...Okita-kun's been dead for a long time, where we're from. Trying to change that... it's against what we're fighting for. [So the castle was his last chance to see Okita happy and healthy, because it'll never happen again, in his world. Any mission he's sent on that might give him a glimpse of that would probably one that consisted of ensuring his death in the future.] But Kiyomitsu should still be at the Citadel. If things go correctly, I'll be going home to him and our master there.